That’s how things are going now. I’m up and then I’m down and depressed and don’t feel like doing anything. Then I hop up and clean like a freak. I haven’t made it in to the office all week and I’m starting to worry I’m going to get in trouble but I just can’t get myself out the door.
I haven’t been to an AA meeting all week, but I just can’t get myself out the door. Even getting in to the shower has become a major chore. I have to really talk myself in to it.
I got a call from my doctor that my blood work he ordered showed something off with my thyroid and I needed to call my primary care doctor, so I went in with my test results and she said he didn’t order enough tests to properly determine if something was off with my thyroid, so she ordered them. I currently am waiting for a call from my primary doctor to see what the tests revealed. Part of me wants there to be something wrong with my thyroid so I have a reason for why I’m feeling the way that I do and I can stop thinking I’m so bipolar. Another part of me thinks, holy fuck another damn pill I’m going to have to take to treat that. I’m torn.
All of the people in AA keep checking on me and I feel awful telling them I just don’t have the energy, or the interest to go to my meetings. I’m not even returning all their phone calls. I feel bad. I know they’re worried.
There’s one individual in AA that is bipolar as well and approached me after he learned that I was and we are becoming fast friends. He seems to understand what I’m going through and has a lot of really great advice. We’re going to lunch tomorrow, but he said he’d totally understand if I wanted to back out at the last minute. He’s so nice, that I would feel a little guilty canceling on him.
Friday I lead the meeting, so I have to go to the meeting on Friday. I made a commitment and as alcoholics we honor our commitments. Then Saturday I’m volunteering at the Central Office, so hopefully between those two things it’ll get me motivated to live life a little bit as right now I just don’t feel like living.