I’m feeling the same as yesterday but I need to do some AA work. I was in the middle of working my 6th step when this happened. I met with my sponsor and did my 5th step. I felt kind of rushed as we only had 2 hours. My first 5th step took me almost a day to get through. I didn’t have as much to do, but it felt rushed. I learned a lot though. I learned that I have pretty low self esteem of what kind of mother I am, I learned that I call myself lazy a lot. I learned that I may be using my relationship as a scape goat to not have to deal with improving myself. And then she told me to go on to the 6th step.
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”. I feel like my biggest defect of character is my low self esteem. I lie a bit too, that needs to get worked on. I feel like I’m pretty selfish. I feel like I can be hurtful with my words. The list goes on.
My sponsor has me working the Narcotics Anonymous 12 Step book and it’s full of a ton of questions. It takes forever to get through and I’m a bit anal retentive and write out all the questions and answers by hand. Except for the 5th step. There was so much of that shit, I typed it out. 17 pages by time I was finished. I think because I’ve been through the steps before that’s why she wanted me to work on this book.
I decided today that I needed to do some AA work to get my mind off of things. So I got the book out and sat down with the questions and there is one “What is the difference between being entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character and suppressing them myself” has really opened my eyes. I’ve completely forgotten God. I like to have control of things, and I’ve just told myself oh I can fix that when my boyfriend points out something I’m doing wrong, or I notice that I’ve lied to someone. Lying was a defect of character that I had when I worked the steps the first time and while it’s not totally gone, it’s so vastly improved. I remember when I used to let God take care of my defects of character, how much more peaceful I felt. I wish I could pray away the Bipolar. It would be great to trust that God could fix all of this.
I guess maybe the fact that I got out my AA book is a sign that things are getting a little better. Maybe? One can hope. I made it a whole hour doing some work on my steps before I got distracted and had to come and write here. I have a lot more to do with my 6th step. It won’t all be accomplished tonight as my boyfriend is on his way over. We haven’t seen each other in 4 days because we had an argument and I stormed out of his house and isolated myself and didn’t speak to him. I’m a little excited to see him, but a little sad that my alone time is over. I think it’s the beginning of the end with him. I just feel it deep in my bones.