I’m working from home today and I haven’t had any desire to do much. I didn’t get to my AA meeting this morning, I just wasn’t feeling like going. I went to two of them yesterday so I felt like I could take a pass, but then I regretted not going because a friend of mine went.
As it sits right now I’m on:
- Lithium – 900mg
- Pristiq – 100mg
- Lorazepam – 2mg
- Abilify – 30mg
- Gabapentin – 300mg
I had to go get a shit ton of blood drawn yesterday so he could check my lithium levels, something to do with my hormones, my thyroid, and a bunch of other stuff like my Vitamin D levels. I have to wait for him to get the results and if all is fine with my lithium levels he is going to increase it to 1200mg to help me with this lingering depression. I just feel blah. I have no interest in life. He says it’ll help, I’m just holding faith that it will. I broke down in his office and started crying and pleading him to tell me why this is happening all of a sudden. Stress was about all he could come up with. My biggest stress in life is my boyfriend.
I’m not speaking with my boyfriend. We had a disagreement and I stormed out of his house and haven’t spoken to him since. I have gone over the disagreement a million times in my head and I don’t think it was due to my current state of mind. He’s being a stubborn man and I just don’t want any part of it right now while I’m trying to get my brain to function like a normal person so I just haven’t said anything to him. He hasn’t said anything to me either. We’re in a stand-off of sorts it seems. Little does he know that I’m enjoying the time apart. So much that it has me wondering if I should just keep it this way and break up with him. I’m liking not having to deal with any of his drama. I’m liking the no arguments. I’m liking being alone and not having to go over to his house. I’m liking it a little too much I think. Part of me is wondering why he hasn’t said anything to me, and it’s kind of bothering me, but the other part doesn’t want him to say anything so I can have this weekend to myself. I just need a break from the relationship stress. I just need to get my mind worked out.
I found a bipolar support group online that I’ve been reading like a crazy person and responding to. It’s great to read some stories that are similar to mine. It’s great to see that I’m not the only crazy person out there. They even have a forum for bipolar alcoholics. I was so pleased to see that, it made my day. Reading on there how many people treat their bipolar symptoms with alcohol made me realize that I had done that for years. All these things I’m feeling now while I’m sober, I would have normally drank to cure.
My work is suffering. I think I should just take some time off, but I’m in the middle of some important things at work. I’m getting done the bare minimum but above that, my mind just is not functioning well. I don’t feel that I have my whits about me so to speak. I just feel mentally broken.
I get my children tonight and I’m supposed to take them bowling and it’s taking all my energy to not cancel on them. My daughter would be so disappointed, so I’m trying my hardest to keep it together enough to see them tonight, but it’s hard. My son will notice that something is off, he always does. I’m honest with him though and last week I told him my bipolar was acting up. I don’t think he knows what that means, but he knows that it makes me weird.
Blah. I just feel blah.