So he increased my Lithium some more to 1200mg. I have to go in for some blood work first so he can see my levels and then once he gets that I’m supposed to increase it as long as everything is ok. I’m going for my blood work tomorrow.
My mornings start off great and I feel really well in the morning, and then I feel like I crash and my depression comes back. I’m having trouble dealing with work. I’m not getting much of anything done. I’m using a lot of vacation time. I should just take a short leave of absence while I get this sorted out but the thought of just sitting at home kind of freaks me out a little bit. At least on the days I go to the office I have something to go and do to keep me occupied. On my work at home days I struggle a bit more.
I saw my doctor today and started crying and just asked “why is this happening all of a sudden”. I’ve seen this doctor for 8 years and I’ve never cycled like this. I just don’t understand what is happening. He kept asking me if I’m under any stress and the only thing I can think of is my relationship. We argue a lot and it causes a lot of anxiety. I just don’t recall if we argued at the start of this. My memory is awful.
I just feel so out of control. It’s awful not being in control of your own head and not knowing if you’re going to feel crazy in five minutes or if you’re going to feel peaceful. I know I was diagnosed with bipolar years ago, but I just never have cycled like this. It happened 4 months ago and I got so suicidal I wound up in the hospital. I should have gone back to the hospital this time, but my insurance has changed and there’s a $5,000 deductible for mental health. It’s outrageous. That’s a whole different rant.
The good news is that I was able to get in the shower 2 days in a row. I felt like getting out of bed 2 days in a row. So even if the up side is short lived, I will take what I can get right now.