I’m up and down

So he increased my Lithium some more to 1200mg. I have to go in for some blood work first so he can see my levels and then once he gets that I’m supposed to increase it as long as everything is ok. I’m going for my blood work tomorrow.

My mornings start off great and I feel really well in the morning, and then I feel like I crash and my depression comes back. I’m having trouble dealing with work. I’m not getting much of anything done. I’m using a lot of vacation time. I should just take a short leave of absence while I get this sorted out but the thought of just sitting at home kind of freaks me out a little bit. At least on the days I go to the office I have something to go and do to keep me occupied. On my work at home days I struggle a bit more.

I saw my doctor today and started crying and just asked “why is this happening all of a sudden”. I’ve seen this doctor for 8 years and I’ve never cycled like this. I just don’t understand what is happening. He kept asking me if I’m under any stress and the only thing I can think of is my relationship. We argue a lot and it causes a lot of anxiety. I just don’t recall if we argued at the start of this. My memory is awful.

I just feel so out of control. It’s awful not being in control of your own head and not knowing if you’re going to feel crazy in five minutes or if you’re going to feel peaceful. I know I was diagnosed with bipolar years ago, but I just never have cycled like this. It happened 4 months ago and I got so suicidal I wound up in the hospital. I should have gone back to the hospital this time, but my insurance has changed and there’s a $5,000 deductible for mental health. It’s outrageous. That’s a whole different rant.

The good news is that I was able to get in the shower 2 days in a row. I felt like getting out of bed 2 days in a row. So even if the up side is short lived, I will take what I can get right now.

2 thoughts on “I’m up and down

  1. I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble finding a consistent way out of depression. I’m glad you are staying connected and are – like you said – getting out of bed. Twice is good! Especially considering the mental hoops depression multiplies into the daily challenges of living. You’re not alone. I’m BP, too. Hang in there.* p.s. Drug-talk… Is lithium a good fit for you? I have found quatiapine keeps me balanced throughout most days. Lithium I took morning and night, which really bogged me down, then had to mix with other drugs to balance. …Sending a hug your way. -HM.


  2. It’s making me feel sleepy. I take it in the morning and at night. I don’t know if it’s contributing to my blah feeling but as soon as he increased the lithium my mood swings get less severe so I really think it’s working and if this most recent increase makes it work even more then I am a fan of the lithium and will take the tiredness. Anything to not go back to that dark depression. I’ve been on it about 4 months now and I’m a little worried that I cycled while on the lithium as that tells me it doesn’t prevent it, but maybe I just wasn’t on enough. So stay tuned as to how I wind up doing with this increase. Thanks for your kind words.


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