My mood started to shift yesterday afternoon and I started to feel a little human again and wanted to take a shower. That was my first sign that either I’m cycling back up, or my med change is starting to work. Then I actually got out of bed and went to meet my sponsor early this morning to do my 5th step. Then I went to an AA meeting, and then I came home and took a nap. I was mentally exhausted after doing my 5th step.
And then I cleaned my house! I am definitely feeling better. I am so happy to be feeling somewhat normal. I feel depressed, but I don’t feel like crawling out of my skin or chewing my brain out. I just with I knew if I was cycling back up, or if the medicine is doing what it’s supposed to and evening out my mood swings.
I’m currently taking:
- 900 mg Lithium (increased from 600)
- 100 mg Pristiq
- 300 mg Gabapentin
- 30 mg Abilify (increased from 15)
- 2 mg Lorazepam
The nice thing is that through this whole down shift in my mood I was able to sleep pretty well, so I know the Lorazepam is working as I take that at night to help me sleep.
This whole experience has scared me and made me more aware that I actually am bipolar. I actually have bipolar. I can’t keep denying it and just taking the meds and thinking oh I don’t really need those. It’s clear that even while on my meds my mania occurred and I cycled down from it in a pretty hard fall.
It’s woken me up to the fact that I need to learn more about what I have and actually start to accept it so that next time this happens it doesn’t feel like my life is going to end. I am glad that I made it through to the other side but my suicide thoughts were out of control. It’s also made me realize I need to talk to my doctor about my lack of understanding of how this works and get a little more educated from him rather then going in and getting my prescriptions and calling it a successful visit because I got my prescriptions.
My boyfriend is so happy to see a little piece of me back. My mom is so relieved I’m not talking about suicide anymore. My son noticed I was acting weird at dinner the other night and asked me and I was honest that my bipolar was acting up. My AA friends are so happy to see that I made it through to the other side. Oh I just feel so happy right now. I’m a little scared it’ll fade away and I’ll fall back in to the darkness, but for now I can see some light and I’m going to enjoy it and let those around me see that I made it through. Let’s hope it stays.