My doctor finally called. It took my therapist calling him to get him on the phone finally. I am not a fan of that. He wants me to go in to the hospital but I refused. He says I’m cycling too fast. I don’t really know what that means, so I’m going to spend some time today doing some research on that. ETA: This was interesting:
I had to make a follow up appointment with him for Monday and two appointments with the therapist and only then he agreed to just change my medication over the phone. He changed my Lithium and Abilify. I went from 600mg of Lithium to 900mg and 15mg of Abilify to 30mg. I took my first increased dosage last night before bed. I didn’t sleep very well last night at all. I don’t know if I was just so desperate for the medicine to work that I was a little hyped up, or what but my Lorazepam didn’t even put me to sleep.
I was a mess yesterday in my therapist’s office and my boyfriend was there. He’s been really great through all of this. Patient with my mood swings, and understanding and right by my side. These are the moments when I feel shitty for thinking poorly about our relationship.
I spoke yesterday how I don’t like being this vulnerable in front of him. I don’t like to need him for anything. I’m scared I will get too used to having someone and it could disappear.
I found this article yesterday that gave me a little hope. I am definitely on the low of my bi-polar right now. I took the day off of work the other day as I just couldn’t even put a thought together as to how to get through my day. I kind of want to do the same thing today but I don’t have that much vacation time.
I really should go in the hospital and get sorted out. I hate it there though. Sitting there with nothing to do just drives me insane. No electronic device to distract me when I can’t sit still. It’s like torture. My therapist and my boyfriend insist I just had a bad experience the first and only time I’ve gone to the hospital for my mental issues. I’m convinced that it’s that way everywhere so I’m reluctant to go back. I also worry of the expense of it.
I’m not as suicidal today so that feels better. I went to an AA meeting this morning and they were all very concerned about where I’ve been so that was encouraging. Made me feel loved.
I don’t know. I’m just a mess. I really should just go to the hospital.