And I’ve called my doctor and he isn’t calling me back. Yesterday was so bad. I felt suicidal all afternoon and just out of whack. I got myself out of the house and went to an AA meeting and went to dinner with a friend of mine and that helped for about 2 hours and then it was right back to doom and gloom.
This morning I feel a little better, but I took a mental health day off from work. I didn’t tell them I needed a mental health day, just said something came up and I would be out for the day. I don’t know what to do with myself now. I just feel so sad and depressed.
I don’t know if my depression is out of control or if it’s my bi-polar. I tried spending money like a crazy person the other day and luckily my boyfriend put a stop to that and that’s what I generally do when I’m in a mania phase of my bi-polar. I go for about 5 minutes of feeling good and then it dips back down to feeling like I just want to die.
I wish the doctor would call me back. Something is out of whack. I had to take my daughter to school this morning so that got me out of the house but I didn’t go to my normal 6:30am meeting. I just skipped it so I could come back home and go to bed. I slept for 2 more hours. Now I have to pick my son up from school in 30 minutes and since I have to leave the house I am going to lunch with an AA friend and hoping that’ll cheer me up a bit, but I can’t bring myself to get in the shower so I’m going to look like a bum for the whole thing. I warned my friend. He is bi-polar too so he understands. I don’t think my boyfriend is completely comfortable with me going to lunch with another man but I explained it’s strictly just friends and I need some friends at the moment. My boyfriend doesn’t know what to do with me when I’m like this.
Hell I don’t know what to do with me when I’m like this. I just want it to stop. I want control of my brain. I want to be like a normal person.