Alcoholic · Uncategorized

Couples therapy

My boyfriend and I have been going to therapy for about 2 months. I’m just trying everything I can to make this work. We had therapy yesterday and we discussed the issue of me not going to New Year’s Eve with him because it’ll be a big drunk fest there. We didn’t do so great talking about it on our own. In fact, we didn’t talk really for four days. I was being stubborn, and he was being stubborn.

Yesterday’s therapy revealed a cold fact, he just doesn’t understand the disease of alcoholism. He thinks that it’s just a choice I’m making and if I really didn’t want to drink, I could just be around alcohol and choose to not drink it. Plain and simple. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that it makes my mouth water. He doesn’t get that seeing it makes me go to a place in my head where I remember how it used to make me feel and that memory makes me want it. He doesn’t get that the smell of it brings me to a place where I start to think I can drink like a normal person and just have one. He doesn’t get that it’s a disease.

The therapist has tried explaining the disease part to him. She’s an addiction specialist and has been my therapist for around 10 years or so. She did this in the first session we went to and then yesterday kept saying “Remember we had this discussion. Alcohol = death for her”. He just doesn’t get it.

She told him to do some research. I’m sure he’ll go on the Google and read a few articles, but when I do a google search it returns some articles that say it’s not a disease and he’ll read those too. He’s so stubborn he just can’t see the other side of things.

She said “Do your research and then let’s evaluate the relationship”. I took that as “Do your research and if you still don’t think it’s a disease then Julie needs to decide if she wants to be with someone that will never understand her alcoholism”. He took it as “Do your research and then let’s discuss the relationship”. Two very different takes on what she said. I didn’t think to ask for clarification when we were in there.

This week we’re supposed to write down what we like about the other person so we can have a positive session next week. Most of our sessions are full of trying to figure out why we had a fight the week before. We fight a lot. It frustrates me. He’s from a relationship where fighting is normal, and I just don’t think this is normal how much we fight, which is why I asked him to come to therapy with me in the first place.

I’m curious to see if he’ll actually do the research and I’m curious what will come out of it. He doesn’t have the patience for much, so I can’t see him sitting there and reading a ton of articles and research, but I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and I’m hoping it’ll make a dent in that hard head of his that’s determined to think it’s just me being weak that I don’t want to be around alcohol.

I know a lot of alcoholics that can be around alcohol with no problem, but they have some serious sobriety time. I’m only 8 months sober. Going to a drunken New Year’s Eve party is just not healthy for me. I hope he can come to understand that and isn’t sitting there bitter on New Year’s Eve because I’m not there to kiss him. I’m sad that I won’t be with him just as much as he is, but my sobriety comes first. I hope he can understand that one day.

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One thought on “Couples therapy

  1. I’m sorry to hear you’re having so much trouble connecting with one another over the subject of alcoholism. It sounds like your therapist is so supportive and eager to help you and your boyfriend come to an understanding. It’s great that you have her. Things sound a bit scary and unknown at this moment – thinking of you. The stress this can put on you as an individual, and especially on you in sobriety can feel multiplied and overwhelming. Good for you for holding onto your sober choice. It must be incredibly challenging some days. -HM.

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