Alcoholic · Boyfriend · Relationships

Putting sobriety first

Is sometimes hard when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t understand addiction. That someone happens to be my boyfriend. He wants to go somewhere where there will be a lot of drunken escapades going on for New Year’s. I asked him what his opinion would be on me doing something with sober people and all hell broke loose.

Suddenly he said he was questioning our whole relationship. Suddenly I wasn’t as committed as him. Suddenly he was sick of my alcoholism always coming first and getting in the way. Suddenly he was a different person. I asked him to leave, but not before consulting with my sponsor and asking her for help. She told me to look at where I went wrong.

I didn’t invite him. I promptly apologized. That didn’t work. I offered a compromise that I come for a few hours before everyone gets drunk and then I would go do my own thing. That didn’t work. He just sat with an attitude and was rude and cold. After hours of that I finally got sick of it and asked him to leave my home.

My sponsor says he just doesn’t get it yet. Ok. That’s fair. He doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t need to question my commitment to our relationship because I’m putting my sobriety first. That was cold.

My sobriety must come first. Otherwise everything will come last. I asked him if he rather I relapse and get drunk and he said he didn’t care. That was cold.

I’m tired of the coldness when he’s angry. We are in therapy together and we’ve been working on how to talk to each other and he threw it all out the window. The only thing he did was leave when I asked him to leave. He usually doesn’t do that. I feel bad that it had to come to that, but I refuse to sit uncomfortable in awkward silence in my own home. This is part of the reason I love that I live alone. I always have a place to retreat too, and I won’t let my home be uncomfortable for me and it was just uncomfortable with him here.

I started working on my 4th step in his absence, and watched a football game and it was rather enjoyable. No stress. Nothing. Just me and peace and quiet. I’m glad I asked him to leave. I didn’t want to spend the whole day and night like that. He kept saying “what is there to discuss you’ve made your decision and like always it’s all about you and your alcoholism”. I learn a lot from him when he’s angry. He says things he has building up. I think he’s unhappy with how much I do with AA, and this was his avenue to express that.

It’s just me tonight, and I’m actually really ok with that.

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4 thoughts on “Putting sobriety first

  1. This is the first time I’ve read a post of yours, so I know I am speaking without any prior knowledge or history. It is generous of you to see what he is feeling inside his hurt – if he really is upset about the time you’re spending in AA, and with a sober community. However, relationships are two-way streets. In your summary of events, I don’t see any generosity on his part towards or for you. He doesn’t get a pass just because he’s sad or mad. He still needs to treat you with love and respect even when he’s mad – especially then. ….. I wonder if your sobriety is calling into question his own choices and relationship to alcohol. He may feel your sobriety is a judgment of him. I get that. But, I also feel a partner should be happy and supportive of a partner who is making healthy choices for themself. From afar, he sounds selfish and defensive, and like he takes a lot of energy. Is he giving any of his energy to you?

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    1. He puts his energy in to physical time. He equates all of his efforts in to the relationship with how much time he spends with me, so that’s how he measures things. So, me not spending my time with him on New Year’s is a big hit to his ego and things are just getting worse. We’ve been arguing ever since I told him. Thanks for reading 🙂

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