Depression

Some lingering depression

I’ve just been feeling blah! Some days are better than others, but I feel like my life is just blah. I have no real desire to do much of anything, but I force myself. I put one foot in front of the other and make myself get through my day.

I’ve lost all interest in my work. It’s a struggle to get my tasks done each day. I don’t know if this is the ADD or my depression kicking in, but I just don’t enjoy my work. I think I long for a different career maybe. I don’t know. I just don’t enjoy going to my job. The past 3 weeks have just been full of a lack of passion for anything though, so I’m trying to weather the storm.

I put on a happy face for my boyfriend, but inside I’m just crying. I put on a happy face for my children, but inside I just want to escape. I put on a happy face at the office, but inside I just want a change.

Maybe a medication adjustment? I’m pissed off that a medication adjustment might be the answer. I thought we had it figured out, but apparently not. I don’t see the shrink until January, so I’ve got a little while to go. Maybe the depression will lift. Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight with the shorter days. He’s adjusted my medication around the seasons before. I’m sick of needing a medication change. I just want to feel normal and have my meds properly working.

The holidays are here, maybe it’s that. I don’t feel like the holidays really affect me though, but the cost of it is a little depressing. I’ve had some financial struggles in the past few weeks, so maybe that’s it.

I don’t know but my head feels like it’s in a black cloud of blahness and I just want it to go away. It goes away in the morning sometimes when I go to my AA meeting. For an hour at least I’m focused on something else and I don’t remember how shitty my brain is feeling at the moment.

It’s getting harder and harder to go to my AA meetings, but I just put one foot in front of the other and show up. I signed up for some service work and it’s this weekend and I’m already dreading having to haul my ass out of bed to go to it.

I gave a lead last night at a women’s meeting and that put me in a good mood for a little while, but then the depression just came back. I came home and crawled in to bed and just laid there. I’m doing that a lot lately.

I’m just hanging in there until my appointment to see my shrink. Just hanging in there.

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