About a month ago I got a text; “Hey Julie, there’s a Serenity weekend coming up, would you like to go”. I looked at the cost and determined it wasn’t in my budget and responded in kind. Her response; “funny you mention that as someone just canceled and said to gift their fee”. God moment. I said sure. The weekend is this weekend and the idea of being around that many women for a whole weekend is freaking me the fuck out.
I do better with men. I always have. I don’t make female friends that easy. The ones I have had have come to me by luck. One was an old sponsor of mine. Another, an old neighbor and then just a lot of female friends that you have on Facebook and see once in a while etc. I’m very close with my friend who was an old sponsor. We started off as roommates and our friendship grew in to something I never knew I was capable of having. We live in different states now, but our friendship is pretty strong.
The thought of being around a bunch of women I don’t know, in a hotel, and sharing a room with 2 strangers is almost too much for me to handle. The coordinator asked me if I wanted to carpool and I said “no way I want my own car in case I need to run”. I wasn’t kidding. Apparently, someone has done that before, so I wouldn’t be the first.
What do you talk about with women for that long? I tend to say too much when I talk and say inappropriate things out of nervousness (or is it the ADD?). My anxiety gets so big that my mouth just runs and my mind gets so full of fear. My stomach is sick just thinking about it, but I’m determined to go. I’m trying so hard to step outside of my box and do things outside of my relationship so that I’m not so dependent on him, that I refuse to just toss my hands up and cancel. Plus I’m taking a spot that someone else could have gotten gifted to them. It would be extremely rude of me to throw that away.
The coordinator sent out a text to not worry if you’re having mixed emotions about it, everyone goes through that, but I feel somewhat like I’m the only one this scared. It shouldn’t be this frightening for me to be around other humans, but my anxiety gets so big that it’s crippling.
There’s a 10:00am meeting and an 8:00pm meeting every day, otherwise we’re on our own to just “relax”. There will be massages you can book, nails to get done. The whole 9 yards and I’m just thinking what am I going to do with myself? Play on my phone the whole time? I’ve told myself I will try to participate. If they’re playing games I will try at least one. If they’re making something in the kitchen, I will offer to help. If I’m not willing to at least try then I’m going to be stuck uncomfortable around women for the rest of my life.
I’m always so scared of what people think of me that I’m scared to be myself. I am going to try really hard to be myself this weekend and see where it takes me. I just hope that I don’t get that nervous talk too much and say inappropriate things tick that I get.
I’m going to go though. I’m going to suit up and show up because I said I would, and I’m an alcoholic and we do what we say we’re going to do.