My sponsor told someone the other day that month 7 is hard. I am celebrating 7 months today and the last week, the drink has looked pretty good. Mind you, I’ve been fighting with my boyfriend on and off. We’re averaging a fight a week. Not a good average and it’s driving me nuts.
I have this vision in my head that I’m going to walk in to my apartment with a bottle of vodka in my hand and slam it on the counter and tell him, “I’m going to have a drink, you can either join me, or go away”. I’ve been stepping up my meetings because that sounds like such a delicious plan. I’ve been talking to my sponsor more because that sounds like such a fantastic idea.
I’m obsessing over it, it’s all that I can think about. I haven’t found myself driving to the bar, which is something I tend to do when I’m obsessing over a drink, but instead I’ve been writing non stop. I’ve been crying in meetings asking for help. I’ve been texting other alcoholics to keep my mind on someone else. It all works for a little while and then the thought creeps back in my head.
It doesn’t help that when I tell my boyfriend about my struggles his response is “hypothetically what would you do if weed was legal here, would you use some to help you with the cravings” and then I said that would be outside of the program and a no no and he said “well you’re already not following the program exactly because you take mind altering medication” – referencing my psych meds. I got pissed and turned off my phone and didn’t speak to him for a day and a half. A little drastic, but he hurt my feelings and he wasn’t understanding why.
We finally spoke last night and he still says “well you once told me that it wasn’t approved in AA if you took medication that altered your mood”. I said that some people in AA have that belief, but I never said that AA had that belief. In fact there’s a really good flyer from AA about taking medication while in the program. He just doesn’t get it and now he’s acting all different with me. I’m just not in the mood to deal with it. I’m supposed to go over to his house tonight and I don’t want to go, but I will to avoid any further drama. It’s going to be awkwardly uncomfortable. I don’t think this relationship is good for my sobriety, but I’m just not ready to walk away from it yet.
While we weren’t speaking, I didn’t drink, and I’m pretty proud of that. I’m actually pretty proud that I’ve made it through the last week. I’m even more proud that I made it to month 7. I’ve been going to meetings, working the steps, calling my sponsor, talking to other alcoholics, praying, and journaling. In theory I’m kind of kicking AA’s ass right now, but the desire to drink still burns deeply and I don’t understand why.
Yesterday I wrote for over 6 hours and in my writing I realized I don’t think I want to be in this relationship, but then I go back to him at the first sign of losing him. I don’t get it. I feel ready to end it, and then boom I go running back.
He started coming to my therapist with me and we’ve been working on some things, so a part of me hopes that the more we go, the easier things will get, but I don’t have patience. My sponsor told me yesterday “Patience and Faith” and I’ve been trying to remember that, but it’s hard for me. I think because of my ADD I’m such an instant gratification person that I just need the results right now. I need to know that I’m doing good at my job as soon as I’m done with a project. I need to know what you’re thinking right now. I need to know what’s coming in the mail for me right now. I just don’t have patience. I’m trying to work on it.
I don’t know at what point though it’s time to throw in the towel and be done with the patience. I’ve been googling “how to know when your relationship is over” and reading about that a lot and we have some of the signs, but my therapist said that you know you’re in love when you fight – it means there’s still something there. Well we must love each other a whole lot because we are fighting a whole lot. Of course he thinks it’s all my fault though and I’m tired of that.
He wasn’t around yesterday and I didn’t feel like drinking as bad. I think that speaks loudly. If only I would listen.