It’s a lot of work being in a relationship. I go through phases where I want out, and then all is well and it feels great. I read this article that I found to sum up what goes in on my relationship rather well.
Being in AA and only being sober 6 months, it’s hard working on myself and having a relationship at the same time. I see why they say no relationships for the first year in AA, but I was already in one when I relapsed. Sometimes I blame the relapse on the relationship, and sometimes I take full responsibility for it. It’s a constant struggle. If I weren’t stressed out about fighting with my boyfriend; would I have drank? I’ll never know the answer.
Asking him to understand my bi-polar, my ADD, my depression, my anxiety is a lot to ask from a person and I feel guilty about it all the time. It’s hard being in a relationship with someone who has all of those things. I feel like I should just bend over and take it and deal with anything he dishes out because he has to deal with so much, but I can’t. I just can’t sit and see imperfections in our relationship without calling it out. Something I’m trying to work on.
I always just want to run. Fight or flight. That’s what my therapist calls it, and anytime there is discord in our relationship, I just want to run far, far away and then he talks me down and gets me to see the reality of the problem I’m making so huge and all is well, but for that few hours, I just want out. I don’t want to do the work.
I always think it would be easier if I were single. I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling guilty that someone has to put up with all my brain issues. I wouldn’t have to work hard to make sure the other person is happy when sometimes it’s hard enough work making sure I’m happy. I wouldn’t have to cook. I wouldn’t have to deal with so many things. That’s a hard battle to fight. Always wanting to be single and alone, yet loving someone that is in your life.
I’m working on Step 2 in Alcoholics Anonymous and it’s hard to put the focus on my step work. I feel like my program gets pushed to the back burner a lot so that I can deal with my relationship issues. And he’s not in the program, so he doesn’t understand. I always wonder if it would be easier to date someone in the program, so at least they understood. I fell in love with someone not in the program and that’s a tough pill to swallow.
How many times is he going to talk me down before he gives up and runs? How many times is he going to put up with me lashing out in anger because I had an emotional spike from my ADD? How many times is he going to put up with me forgetting important events in his life because my mind is so busy with other things? There’s so much more.
He joined me in therapy last week. We’re going again tomorrow. I hope it helps take away some of my guilt I have for someone having to put up with all my mental illnesses. I want that to go away.