I recently went to visit my best friend in Ohio. I used to live with her when I was working in Ohio, and we met through AA. She offered me a place to stay when the place I was staying needed a more long term roommate while I was working a short term contract. We became fast friends and have remained friends even since I moved away over 2 years ago. We don’t always talk every day, but whenever we do pick up the phone to text or call, we pick up right where we left off. I’ve always read that makes a good friend. I know she’s always there when I need her and vice versa.
I needed a break from home. I needed a refresh. I needed to see her. I have my own bedroom at her house that’s always waiting for me, and I love the AA in Ohio. It’s unlike any other AA that I’ve ever seen. They have a club house that has its own coffee bar, and so many meetings available. I made so many friends while I lived in Ohio, that it’s always like an AA sabbatical every time I return, only this time I needed one more than she needed me to visit.
I got here and went straight to a meeting and saw some familiar faces right away on the benches where everyone sits to smoke. I used to be a smoker and that was my home. I always used to say that there were special kinds of meetings that took place on the benches that weren’t formal AA meetings, but just as beneficial. I love those benches. I cried many tears on those benches. I went through a break up on those benches. I went through a career change on those benches. I went through some rough sobriety on those benches. I made some great friends on those benches. They are my home away from home.
While I was here I got in a fight with my boyfriend. My best friend heard all of it. My boyfriend yells so loudly, it’s impossible to not pick up on what he’s saying if you’re sitting in the same room. I didn’t even think to leave the room. The fight lasted for 3 days. Had I been back home it would have been worse because I would have been alone and I don’t do well when I’m alone, but I had her by my side. And I had my journal. And I had AA.
What I learned while I was here? I’m not sure that this relationship is where I’m supposed to be right now. I think I have too much going on with me, but how do I walk away from him and be alone? I’m scared to be alone. What if I’m making a bad choice? We’re starting therapy the week that I get back at the suggestion of my therapist. We’ve been struggling a lot lately, but I do love him and he is worth fighting for, I’m just not sure how much I want to fight. I’m fighting so hard just to stay sane right now, that I don’t want to really be fighting for a relationship with so many things stacked against us.
He threw my mental illnesses in my face during this argument, and that is something I’m having a hard time getting over. I don’t want to be in a relationship where he thinks he’s doing a favor putting up with all the things that come with my mental illnesses. I want someone to love those parts of me as well, regardless of how hard they are to put up with.
I’ve journaled a lot while I’ve been here. It’s one thing that AA has taught me, to write until your wrists hurt. I learn so much through my writing, and there are so many bad things in our relationship. I have so much growing to do, but I don’t think I can do it while I’m in a relationship. My sponsor says it’s possible, but super hard, and I’m not one for hard work. I shy away from it.
I learned that I always find something in the other person I’m in a relationship to obsess over. If it’s not that he works too much, it’s that he does this or that, and if that things gets solved then I just find something else to point out and I think that’s because I’m unhappy with myself. How do I fully love someone if I haven’t begun to love myself yet. My sponsor says that this self pity thing I do of not thinking I’m worthy is rather selfish. I’ve never looked at it as being selfish before. I guess I can see her point.
My best friend used to be my sponsor, but it got too complicated as there was no accountability to her while I was in another state, but I still talk to her like a sponsor and she’s seen me interact with my boyfriend over the last 8 days and can tell I don’t want to be in this relationship. I’m sick of the fighting. I’m sick of working so hard to just do normal things.
I just want to focus on myself. I’m worried that makes me selfish and I’m always going to be a selfish person, but if that’s what I need right now, then so be it. When I get in front of him, my story will change though as I’m weak in person and I’m weak to his face. I love him. I really do. How do you walk away from someone you love when you know that you need to? I just don’t know.