Depression

I am in a dark place

One I’ve never dealt with sober. It’s so dark, that the most pleasant thought I can bring myself to sometimes is how I can exit this world. My depression is so bad. I can’t seem to climb my way out of it. It’s like a dark hole with no ladder to climb out.

I see everyone living their lives on Facebook and am so jealous. I wish I could be doing all of those things, but it’s a struggle right now for me to even want to take a shower. It’s dark inside my head. I don’t know how my boyfriend is putting up with me, that’s some loyalty I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay. That frightens me and adds to my  list of worries at the moment.

I’m worried about so many things. So many things that don’t need to be worried about right now, but I’m just full of depression and anxiety and I can’t seem to kick it. I’m talking to my sponsor, I’m talking to my therapist, I’m talking to my shrink, I’m going to meetings, but the day just becomes too much for me to handle and I just check out and think, what is the point of all of this? It’s such a struggle every day just to wake up and be a human being that I just don’t see the point anymore.

I used to be able to drink this away and find some happiness in the bottle. This is the first real battle with my depression that I’ve had sober and it’s unpleasant, and I don’t have the skills to deal with it. Everyone keeps suggesting to me to go to inpatient treatment to help me out, but my shrink doesn’t think I’m there yet, and frankly I’m too scared to leave my job for the time it would take to get me right in the head. I’m too scared of a lot of things surrounding what it would entail for me to go inpatient somewhere. Am I that crazy? I can’t bring myself to admit that I’ve gone that crazy that I may need some around the clock help, but who sits and thinks about suicide this much? It’s not normal to feel this uncomfortable in your own skin. It’s not normal to sit down to do some work and not be able to think about anything that needs to get done. It’s not normal to wake up and count down the hours until it’s time to take my night meds that put me to sleep. It’s not normal to not be able to clear my head.

I just want to feel normal. I’m scared for where I’m headed, but right now I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m scared.

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