“Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink”. It’s what they say in all the AA meetings. It’s what your sponsor will drill in to you. It’s what every alcoholic says to do. I sent out a text to a friend “Talk me out of going to the bar”. She hasn’t responded. I decided to write while I’m waiting, which gives me a little hope. Normally, I’d be in the car on the way to the bar right now, but I’m hesitating. There’s something in that hesitation.
I had an argument with my boyfriend this morning. That’s nothing new. I feel like that’s all we do lately. We’re under a lot of stress, and it’s taking its toll on us. We’re at each other for everything, neither of us willing to accept responsibility.
Then I went to get my daughter and take her to pick up my boyfriend’s mom to take her to get a new cell phone, then I went to take my daughter to get her haircut, and then I picked up my boyfriend’s son and came home. Suddenly on the way home it occurred to me, my boyfriend will be out tonight. I can go have a drink. I need a drink. Something in me needs that release. Something is not right. Something is not right in my world. I just don’t know what. I’m used to arguing with the boyfriend. It doesn’t always lead to this feeling. I can normally obsess my way out of those feelings and just argue more.
I’m taking it more calmly then I would most days. I didn’t kick him out, I didn’t run away. I didn’t scream. I was calm. Brought to you by the lovely Vyvanse I think. I don’t think I’d have normally handled that as calmly as I did this morning. I even gave him a kiss goodbye when we parted ways. I didn’t send any nasty texts afterwards. I just let it go. Yet something still isn’t right inside my head.
“Play the tape through” that’s what they say in AA. Play the tape through to what it would be like if you had a drink and the end result. For me right now, all I can see are the bubbles of the vodka, tonic. The first sip going down my throat, the ahhh feeling coming over me after a couple more sips and then the utter peace. The utter silence that will be my brain if I just go take a drink. What will the end result be? Either I will drive home drunk, or I’ll call my boyfriend to come get me. I’ll lose my sobriety date. That’s important to me. I’ve lost it so many times before. It’s short. Only 4 months and 11 days this time, but it’s all that I’ve got. I remember how ashamed I was when I threw away 2 years and 3 months. How awful it was to tell everyone. I haven’t even told my kids yet that I relapsed. They couldn’t handle it.
“Let Go, and Let God” that’s what they say in AA. What am I letting go? I don’t know what has me so uneasy with life at the moment, or do I and it’s the boyfriend and I just don’t want to admit it. I don’t know, but I don’t know what to let go of. Like I said we’ve argued before.
“Whatever you do, just don’t drink” I just ran through an inventory of my house and I don’t have any booze in the house, so I’m literally going to have to go somewhere to get it. Or I could just go to a meeting. Either way, it’s always risky when I want to drink and I go get in the car. I almost never wind up at the meeting. I always have good intentions when I leave the house, and there’s a meeting that starts in 20 minutes.
Maybe if I just “Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink” and keep someone on the phone until I get there I’ll make it to the meeting. I hate picking up the phone. I just hate it. Maybe I’ll call my old sponsor in Ohio, she doesn’t judge me. I don’t like to hear advice when I pick up the phone before I pick up a drink. I usually don’t want to change what they’re saying I need to change.
In the mean time I went to a meeting and I came home. Winner. Me.