And I’m in heaven. I went to State Fair yesterday and I was able to be present, and in the moment and not so inside my head. I actually had some fun. I went on the Sky Glider and didn’t freak out about anything crashing. I stood around and waited for my boyfriend and his family to eat for what felt like hours, without being miserable inside my head. I left the house at 8am and didn’t get home until 8pm and I only was slightly irritated that I was taken out of my comfort zone for so long. Nothing like it normally would have been. I’d have been fighting with my boyfriend over something silly that I concocted in my head because I was annoyed that I was outside of my comfort zone for so long.
Day 2 of the Vyvanse has me back at work. I was off yesterday for State Fair and so far this morning I feel like I am getting so much done, and not so anxious about how much I have to do. I normally take a long time to figure out what to do with my work load and this morning I just hopped in my chair and went straight to my first task and started working. I am still feeling like I lose focus pretty quick, but I’m able to do something different for a few minutes, and then re-focus on work. I work in bursts of 30 minutes and then I occupy my mind with something else for a few minutes and then go back to work. I’ve found this to be one of the only ways I can truly get things done at work. Work is such a struggle for me. I constantly feel like I am a failure at my job because I can’t stay focused as long as other people can. I work in IT and it requires some deep concentration and I struggle with that a lot. I always feel so different at work, like how do they have their nose buried in their machines for 8 straight hours. Why can’t I do that? I’m trying to learn to just accept that my brain functions differently, and I need to work in spurts. I still get the work done, but then my anxiety kicks in over the quality of the work that I’ve done and I feel like a failure.
So far though, on day 2. I feel a little human. I feel a little normal. I don’t want to chew my skin off again today. I’m so happy with my day that I can’t hardly stand it. I’m nervous about the upcoming afternoon, as the Adderall always wore off by afternoon and my anxiety always hits me around 1-2 pm and I have a terrible rest of the day. I’m hoping the rest of my day continues this way.
Also, I have noticed that I’m not as fidgety. I haven’t had to check Facebook on my phone 800 times. I was able to pay attention to conversations yesterday a little easier. I didn’t feel like I was “checking out” like I normally do.
I just am in love with how I feel right now. I hope it sticks.