Well they increased my Saphris by 5mg, and holy hell, all I want to do is sleep. The insurance company is dragging it’s feet on my Vyvanse prescription, so I haven’t gotten to feel what that is like, but the increase in my Saphris is making me feel a little zombie like in the morning until I take my Adderall. I decided that I wouldn’t go off the Adderall until the Vayvanse is approved because I don’t want to leave my ADD untreated while I wait. Yesterday was my first time taking the increased dose of the Saphris and I slept until 10am, and then went and had breakfast and got a pedicure and came home and slept until 5pm and then back to sleep around 10 and I slept in until 10 today. I don’t feel as if I could go take another nap at the moment, but I fear it’s coming. Hopefully the Adderall will keep me a little spunky.
I have an issue taking some meds because I had gastric bypass surgery in 2001, and I don’t absorb some meds the same way a lot of people with a normal stomach do, so the Adderall only lasts a little while in me. Let’s see how it goes when it wears off today. I did however note, that yesterday when I woke up I didn’t feel my brain was running a mile a minute on this higher dose of Saphris, but I’d been sleeping most of the day. My brain usually gets out of control around 1-2 in the afternoon and then I just count down the minutes to my night meds because I can’t face the day, it’s too much going on in my head.
I’m all alone today and don’t know what to do with myself. My boyfriend is out fixing a roof, and I have so many things in my head I WANT to do, but getting the energy to go and do them is another thing. I wouldn’t mind going to an AA meeting today, but that would require a shower, and taking a shower is a whole task all in itself that requires a lot of self motivation, which I lack all the time. It’s an accomplishment each day if I wind up in the shower. A pure moment of bliss that I took the time for self care. Who knew such a little every day, normal task for one person could create such havoc in my life. Just taking a shower is so difficult for me. I’m not good at self care. I keep reading about how difficult it is to make self care important for someone with all the mental illnesses I have going on and I’m trying to accept that I need to give it special attention, but it’s a lot of work and I don’t always win that battle.
I’d like to go see some friends today but the thought of leaving the house for that scares me. I’d like to go and hunt some Pokemon today, but the thought of leaving the house for that seems like a lot of work. So here I sit in front of my computer trying to get my thoughts out on paper so I can conquer them. It’s where I’m safe. In front of the computer. I can find something to occupy my time and I can find something to get in to so to speak. I spend a lot of time on Facebook, re-reading the same things over and over again because it’s an escape from my head. Such a waste of time. If only I had the energy and the desire to just stand up and say “I’m going to hop in the shower and then go do this and that” but it doesn’t work that easy in my head. There’s a big battle that goes on in my head. I don’t know if it’s my addiction that speaks up and says “Nah you feel more comfortable just sitting and feeling guilty that you’re not doing anything” or if it’s my ADD saying “Nah you have too much going on in your head to focus on one thing” or if it’s my depression saying “Nah you’re not in a good enough mood to go and do that” I just don’t know which thing is which.
All I know is that I feel sleepy, but a little clear headed this morning. I’m sure that’ll wear off. I don’t have much faith in this change of medication. I never do. I’ve been through so many changes, why would this one be any different.