I had an appointment with the shrink today, and yet another change to my medication. I used to call it my medication “cocktail” until someone in AA approached me after a meeting and said to stop referring to it as my “cocktail”. Now, I refer to it as my medication mess. It’s just a mess. I feel like I am a crazy person when I go to the pharmacy. What normal person has to take THIS much medication. Here is my current medication mess:
- Vyvanse (new as of today – it used to be Adderall)
- Lorazepam 2mg
- Gabapentin 800 mg
- Saphris 10 mg (increased as of today from 5mg)
- Pristiq 100 mg
I went in to the office 2 weeks ago and just started crying that I just need to feel normal. That’s when he added the Saphris. I felt a little more normal, but only in the mornings. Come 1:00-2:00 each day my anxiety set in and I would spend my whole afternoon/evening freaking out. So, this time he took away the Adderall, thinking I might be crashing from it and decided to add the Vyvanse since it’s a little “smoother” as the doc called it. I’m up for anything at this point.
I feel so lost. I’ve lost myself. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. My son turned 16 yesterday and I couldn’t find any joy in spending the day with him celebrating his birthday. I felt like a physical body just going through the motions of physically being present. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. My head just kept going through 50 million things and I couldn’t get my mind to just shut off and enjoy the day with my son. I have slowly been filling my children in on the things I take medication for so that they may better understand me, but it feels weird telling them how fucked up I am. I feel weird telling anyone how fucked up I am.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel as if I can take on the world. I started to have a cup of coffee outside and take a few moments in the morning to enjoy just some peace, and for that little while I feel normal. I plopped on my shrink’s couch today and said “make me feel like I feel in the morning all day long” and that led him to change my Adderall to Vyvanse, and increase my Saphris. Let’s see how that works. I started crying again when he handed me my prescriptions at the sight of needing to be on so many meds, and it still not working. He calmly explained that we’re just trying to get my symptoms under control and then he can start tweaking and maybe taking some away, but that made me nervous.
Last time we took something away it was the Gabapentin and I freaked out, it didn’t go well. I felt like my whole world was spinning out of control. We quickly added it back and I felt I gained a little control, but my anxiety peaked even higher. We’ve yet to find anything that will take care of my anxiety. I’m hanging on by a thread. The best way to explain it is I feel like I want to just eat through my skin. I’ve picked at every fingernail I have. I am constantly fidgeting. My chest constantly feels like I am short of breath and deep breathing only relaxes me for half a second. And then a rush of anxiety comes back. I can’t sit still to watch anything on tv without having to fidget with my phone and look at Facebook. I just can’t be still. I just feel like I can’t simply exist. I just want to exist and feel nothing go on in my brain.
I’m in talk therapy once a week and we work on ways to help me figure out why I do some of the things I do, and this week it was working out of the ADD book on dealing with negative thoughts and how to counteract that, so that’s my homework for the week. To read that section and practice on one negative thought. It was simple to pick out which negative though it was, that I suck at my job. I constantly feel like I’m failing at work and I do poorly, so I’m supposed to counteract that by writing down the negative though and then writing down something good and repeating that each time the negative though comes. I’m doing what she said, but I have to do it a lot. I don’t have much faith in it working while my meds aren’t sorted out. I don’t feel like a normal person thinks so negatively about themselves all the time. I just feel like an outcast at life. Like I’m failing at life. I guess maybe that’s another one I should write down. How can I work on my behaviors in therapy when my mind is so out of control from the symptoms of my mental illnesses. I’m still working on accepting that I have these mental illnesses.
How do you learn to accept that you’re alcoholic, bi-polar, suffer from anxiety and manic depression? Yeah let me just throw that in my brain to figure out while I try and be a mom, a girlfriend, a career woman, and just a human being. That’s a lot of shit to balance in my brain while I think that I’m failing at all of it.
I might as well just get a huge notebook and start listing all the negative thoughts as I feel like I could fill one at this point in time. Just one for this week until I see my therapist again. Just one. I’m trying. I’m really trying, but I so badly just want to escape. I don’t know how to do that though, or I would. I used to have more suicidal thoughts as to how to escape, but the Saphris seems to have put those on the down low for a little while, so I’m thankful for that.
Trying to be thankful for the little things. I lost my gratitude a long time ago. I’m trying to find it. I’m just trying to find some peace. Maybe medication mess isn’t a good name for all my medication either. I should find something more snarky. I like snarky stuff.